"From your blog anyone can see that you are sexually attracted to children. Have you received any treatment for pedophilia, and, if so, what is that like? Can you remember the first time that you realized you [were sexually attracted to children]?" - M.B. of WA

Yes, I am currently very interested in sex with young children. And yes, I received "treatment" at the infamous and defunct "Sexual Psychopath Treatment Program" at Western State (mental) Hospital, in Steilacoom, Washington, for approximately two years after my arrest in 1980 (when I was 17). Because of my crime, forcing another boy to take off his clothes and putting my dick in his mouth, I was told that I was a "homosexual pedophile", and if I refused to accept this I would be "in denial" and sent to prison as "non-amendable to treatment". So, I didn't just accept it, I convinced myself it was true. Because I was so naive and trusting, I believed what they told me. It was the only way that I could "get better", or so I thought. And, I desperately, more than anything else in the whole world just wanted to "get better", so I could be "normal". It wasn't until many years later, in prison and beyond, that I began educating myself, and figuring out that I wasn't (as in WAS NOT) ever sexually attracted to children the way they said. It took me a while to sort out what I was told to believe (i.e. that I was "sexually deviant", and "criminal", amongst other things) from the truth of my own experience and memories. For example, just months before my arrest in 1980, I was living in a group home surrounded by mostly younger and extremely accessible boys. But I never once while I was there remember ever being interested in any of the other boys sexually, nor did I ever do or pursue anything sexual with anyone at the "Boys Ranch" (or "Dyslin's" as it was called). Also, shortly after my arrest for "raping" another boy, I was placed in an enclosed day-room at the juvenile detention center with a much younger boy and left alone for several hours while we sorted and folded laundry. I remember telling the other "SPs" at the treatment program that I thought the younger boy in that situation was "cute", and I "peeped" on him when he changed the ragged pair of underpants he had on with a clean new pair he found in the laundry, which we were tasked with sorting. This memory, which was still clear to me after all the distortions in my memories and thinking that were imposed upon me forcefully (via intense classical "brain washing" techniques, like extreme pressure, provoked confusion, and sleep deprivation) during my two years of "treatment", along with a lot of other information and hard evidence that I used to slowly dismantle their "programming" of my mind. So, what was that like? Psychological hell. But, I don't remember ever actually pursuing an interest in sex with children until after (yes, after) my stint in the "SP" treatment program, while I was in prison. It wasn't until then that I started doing things like looking for pictures of children in their underwear in magazines and books. I never did that while I was in the "treatment" program itself. In hindsight, I have come to realize that my sexual interest in children grew out of an unconscious need for a sense of control in my life after all other avenues of any control were taken away from me, and especially after I received a 15 and a half year "minimum" term after I got to prison. When I look back on my life, and my changing sexual preferences, I can see clear and strong correlations between the strength and intensity of interest in sex with children, especially violent sex, and the way I was treated by the System, and ostracized as a "monster". In essence, the more I was treated like a "monster", "pedophile", "rapist", etc... the more I unconsciously became those things. I believe now that this correlation is due to some sort of natural response to being deprived of "normal" human emotional "needs". This is why now I can, and do, speak of my sexual interest in children without shame or hesitation. I realize it is something natural. and even beautiful, when properly understood. It provides me with something on a deep emotional level that has been denied to me, and even forcefully taken from me by the System: A sense of control over my own mind and emotions, i.e. my life.