"You have referred to your life as a "living nightmare" more than once. But you also claim to be "at peace". How do you explain this contradiction?" - The Fifth Nail

I see no contradiction here. I am not "at peace" completely, just much more than I have ever been, especially since before the epiphany that lead me to stop seeking false justice (e.g. killing people) and turn myself in. My life remains a "nightmare" by virtue of the fact that I have not yet attained complete peace. Or, to put it another way, I have not yet completed my purpose for being (in this world).

My terminology is a bit unconventional, but all I'm really saying is that all life (or, what we call life) is pain and suffering, in the traditional Buddhist sense. We experience pleasure and happiness only by incurring a cost of more pain and suffering. Since I continue to incure this cost, by masturbating for example, or even by simply breathing, I consider my life a nightmare, mostly in way of simply reminding myself that though I may not now be experiencing the cost of my pleasure, it no doubt will be paid, by me, in this life, or some other. But, not in any individualized sense. We all must bear the cost of all pleasures sought. So, my goal in life, or "my purpose", is to somehow bring awareness of these fundamental truths into being. And I can only do that by devine action, not by will of my own (as a limited being). So, if I must invoke suffering, then so be it.

What little "peace" I have comes from knowing (or, perhaps just believing) that my life has a purpose that is not my own, and yet completely mine in an infinite sense.

"You’ve mentioned ‘The Living Truth’ a lot, so it must be extremely important to you. Is your last victim, the one you set free [Shasta], the living truth? What did she do to make you set her free and give up your freedom?" – A.C. of Nevada

Your questions seem to dance around the central theme of this blog, so I will answer them here as directly and concisely as I can. Keep in mind thought that no words, especially no concise words, will ever fully express the answer to the question, “What is ‘The Living Truth’?”

I have said, in the past, and especially during the time shortly after my arrest, that Shasta was indeed a living metaphor of what I later came to refer to as The living Truth. But, to answer your question directly, no, Shasta is not herself the living truth. She is (was) just a child.

The Living Truth is a term I use to describe the ultimate source of all that we experience. When I refer to my “encounter” with the living truth (in Shasta’s presence in the Montana wilderness on a dilapidated logging road where I had fully intended to kill her) I am simply referring to the sudden and unexpected epiphany I had; that my life, and Shasta’s life, were one and the same thing.

I have since discovered that this exact same kind of epiphany recurs throughout human literature, especially religious writings (or writings that otherwise later become revered as “Holy” by those who don’t quite understand what is actually being written about). In fact, the word “epiphany” itself can be traced back to various religious experiences of this type (such as the baptism of Jesus) before it became used in its modern secular form.

After my epiphany, and my subsequent arrest, I asked for a Christian Bible, and read the entire New Testament. It seemed very clear to me that Jesus was not just a man/god. He was a precise mythical representation of the self-same living truth that I “realized” was in all things. It dawned on me as I read the Bible that whether or not such a man actually walked the earth two-thousand years ago was completely irrelevant to the message of the Gospel he preached!

I then read other religious writings and found this “Living Truth” in nearly all of them, Zen Buddhists call it Buddha Mind, for example. But, most of the mainstream religious of the world have badly clouded the simple reality upon which all religions are founded. I call this simple reality the Living Truth. I discovered that there is much, less obscured writings about the Living nature of all experience, in the more obscure non-religious, or pseudo-religious writings of masters, such as Sri Aurobindo, scientists, like Carl Jung, and philosophers, from Socrates to Sartre. I’ve discovered as many different descriptions of the same one thing, the same One Living Truth or the same “One God”, as there are people who have experienced It as I have (i.e. directly). They all struggle to use words to describe that defies human language, because, as the Bible tells us, it speaks to us in the language of reality itself (i.e. when it speaks, reality is formed by its words). And thus Jesus, the man, was “the Word of God”, and thus so am I (and you, and Shasta, etc.), which is exactly what the Bible says.

So, what did Shasta do to make me give up my freedom? She showed me, as only a child, or true saint can, the only real power there is in this world: the power of love and forgiveness; the power of the Living Truth! She opened the door for me to True Freedom; and if I ever finish getting over all the fears I’ve accumulated in my life that prevent me from actually walking through that door then maybe I’ll finally stop staring through it in awe of what I can see, and actually step through it to become like she was (I believe she was only able to open it for me because she was already on the other side).

Again, words can’t describe what I can “see” through that “door” any more than they can truly describe a sunset. What I’m saying here will only have real meaning and significance to someone who has “seen” the same thing. But, that’s why I write about it as much as I do. Because I believe others will someday read my words, as I have read the words of others, and realize that they’re not the only ones seeing the Living nature of all things, a.k.a. the Face of God, and recognizing it for what it is, this thing I like to call The Living Truth.

"You say that until I am able to separate my sense of self from my memories and experiences, I will be ‘infected’ with ignorance. Should I be offended?" – A.H. of Norway

Absolutely not! Until, and unless, we are enlightened (in the Eastern philosophical sense) we are all ignorant. I should probably use a different word to express my meaning, but the word ignorance comes closest to what I am usually trying to say in the most literal sense. I rarely, if ever, mean any offense by it, and even frequently insist on my own ignorance as a way of softening the harsh connotations that are commonly associated with this world. By no means should you be offended; hopefully a little more “enlightened”, but definitely not offended!

"Do you feel afraid when threatened by other inmates or guards?" – M.H. of Sweden

Generally speaking, no. The other prisoners here on Federal death-row treat me respectfully, even though I’m still not sure why (it may be some kind of death-row comradery thing, but I really don’t know). I mostly keep to myself though and don’t test the bounds of the respect I am shown. The guards sometimes try to threaten me, but I figure if they meant any real harm they would have done something already, so I don’t pay them much attention. Most of the guards are more mature and respectful about doing their jobs.

"Why did you decide to go into the restaurant [Denny’s] with Shasta when you knew she [would likely be recognized]? Did you do it to find an end to everything?" – M.H. of Sweden

The simplest answer is that I had a “change of heart” about what I was doing. I had set out in a rage to “punish society” for all the “evil injustices” it had done to me. I wanted to make the people who so ignorantly hurt me feel the way I felt; the loss, the fear, the constant threat and turmoil with no hope of peace. And I wanted to do it as “poetically” as I could (by attacking the very thing that was taken from me; childhood innocence, family security, and the hope of life itself). But, somehow in the middle of it all I suddenly realized something that is difficult, if not impossible, to put into words. I realized that I was a manifestation of society too; I was ignorantly punishing (i.e. causing more pain and suffering for) myself! “Punishing society” suddenly didn’t make sense to me anymore. So the only thing I COULD do at that point was take Shasta home and turn myself in.

Yes, I expected Shasta would be recognized, either at the restaurant, or as we drove into Coeur d’Alene with Shasta riding in full view in the passenger’s seat. I even told her what would probably happen if she was recognized (so she wouldn’t be afraid when it happened), which the police confirmed in their reports (from interviews with Shasta, and my actions at the restaurant when I was arrested). I made no effort to conceal or control her. I told her repeatedly that she could walk away and ask another adult for help anytime she wanted, or if she wanted I would take her to a police station or hospital myself. She requested that I take her myself (she wanted me to be with her). In fact, it was her request that we stop for something to eat first, because she was hungry. I told her again that she might be recognized in the restaurant, but she wanted to go in anyway. So we did.

Since my arrest I have never lied to the police or withheld any information requested of me about my crimes, including all the murders in different states (Washington and California) that I was not even a suspect for. Neither have I attempted to resist, or “fight” the system in any way (though my lawyers “defended” me most of the time directly against my wishes). Even the appeal currently “keeping me alive” was initiated by my lawyers without my consent. I don’t want to die, or “find an end to everything” (as you suggest in your question). I just believe that the system is incapable of finding the truth, or justice, so there’s absolutely no point in pretending along with it to do so.

The “epiphany” that caused me to bring Shasta home and turn myself in also caused me to see life itself quite a bit differently than most people do these days. I no longer see life as something that can be destroyed or taken away (i.e. ending in death). I see it instead as a continuous and infinite process that can never be halted or controlled. The system can only destroy my body, and maybe even my mind, but it cannot destroy the source of my being; it cannot destroy who I really am. I guess you can say that I came to realize WHO I really was, and as a result I have no reason to fear death, or suffer the delusions of those who do (such as the illusion of power and control over anything).

I wouldn’t call myself religious, though I supposed many would say (and have said) that I had a “religious experience”. But, I prefer to think of it as an encounter with the “really real” (i.e. ultimate reality), or what I have often called, “the Living Truth”. It didn’t change me as much as it changed the way I “see” (or “understand”) my experiences. I am still a very “sick” man, but at least I know that I am a MAN, nor more, and no less, than any other.

"You went to college for what? Did you get any degrees?" - T.M. of Ontario

I attended North Dakota State University as a full time student from 2000 to 2003, and then part time after that until 2005 when I absconded. I was slated to graduate in the spring of 2005 (I was enrolled in my final two courses at the time I ran away) with a B.S. in Computer Science. I would have graduated wearing a Phi Kappa Phi honor society medallion (the only medallion permitted to be word at graduation) and a Golden Key sash (for being in the top 10% of my class).

I had already picked up my medallion and registered to graduate. I even had graduation announcements printed and ready to send.

I also have two Associates degrees that I earned while in prison; an A.S. in Electronics from Pierce College, and an A.A. in General Studies from Walla Walla Community College.

I also have a real High School diploma (not just a G.E.D.) that I earned in prison. I actually completed the last credits I needed to graduate from High School while I was in segregation at the age of 21.

"What do you see when you look at yourself in the mirror?" - T.M. of Ontario

I see only a man.

"Do you read the Bible?" - T. M. of Ontario

Absolutely. As much as I resent Christian bigotry, I recognize that I live in a decidedly Christian culture. So, even though I do not call myself a Christian - nor ever will again - I would only be depriving myself of understanding if I did not read the Bible. It is a part of the world I live in.

I not only have read the entire Bible in the past, and studied it on many occasions (even recently), I also keep a good quality personal NIV/KJV Bible within easy reach near my bunk in my cell as a reference while reading or even just watching TV. I consider myself more familiar with the Bible than most Christians, and quite frankly, I respect the book, but not the religion it is used to perpetrate.