"Do you have any thoughts on what might come after life?" --- J.K. of N.J.

Yes, of course (haven't you read the Fifth Nail blog?). "After life?" there is everything and nothing, just more life (i.e. I see no evidence that suggests life ever "ends", per se, and a lot of evidence (not to mention personal experience) that strongly suggests that life (and consciousness) goes on, forever, changing constantly, but never "ending". I mean, just think about it (something Christians are conditioned not to do, i.e. "think" about anything... they are told what to think, feel and believe... which is a kind of living "death" to me, i.e. the "end" of personal cognizance)!

"Do you feel a sense of having lost life, having been locked up for so long?" --- J.K. of N.J.

No. At least, not anymore. I used to, when I was younger and first imprisoned (at the age of 17) for forcing a 14-year-old boy to have oral sex with me at the point of an unloaded "toy" gun (a crime for which I had no idea would get me sent to prison for over 20 years). Now I realize that "life" isn't what you make of it, it's what it makes of you! So, there is no sense of loss, just a lingering sense of injustice.

"If you had one day of freedom to do whatever you wanted, what would you do?" --- J.K. of N.J.

That's easy, I'd get married to the love of my life (my fiancée)! Which would give me a chance to meet my new family (in-laws) and visit my old family (whom I miss and still love dearly).

"What do you do when you feel down, or if you do?" - S.M.

I don't feel "down" very often. But, if you do I can usually trace the feeling to some recurring thought or pattern of thoughts. So, meditation seems to "solve" the problem, if you can call it a problem. Sometimes I just let myself feel own, and appreciate it on an existential level. By meditating I can either mitigate the thoughts and/or their "weight" (i.e. importance). Regardless, being on "death row" is not a source of negative or depressing thoughts for me. The lack of privileges is sometimes frustrating, but doesn't bring me "down", per se. I see it as simply another place for me to "be", not much different, in essence, than any other place. It is "where" I am in my head that really matters, and determines how I feel from one moment to the next. So that's where I choose to focus my attention most of the time.

"Was binding a part of the sexual fulfillment, or just a way to ensure compliance? And, were the murders just a way to cover up the sexual assaults, or is killing part of the fulfillment?" - M.B. of WA

I sometimes enjoy binding, and being bound, in my fantasies. But, I have never under any circumstances --- not even consensually --- engaged in bondage for pleasure. Not because of any particular reason (i.e. I'm not opposed to it or anything), but mostly just because it never really interested me that much, and I never met anyone who was that into it either. In my fantasies it is much easier to do, so sometimes I do (fantasize about bondage) or watched "bondage" porn. But it has never been a "preference" for me, or strong interest. The same is true for killing (with the fantasy aspect to a much lesser degree, but sometimes present), and torture. When I was in prison, the first time, I fantasized about torture for pleasure much more. I suppose it appealed to my deep anger and hatred. But, after I got out, I found that the physical violence was not as satisfying as the psychological violence (i.e. inflicting fear was more "fulfilling" than inflicting pain). Besides, I could inflict far more fear than I ever could pain! Killing was never "fulfilling" in itself, so it was both to evade capture, and to inflict fear upon society, which is where the real "fulfillment" came from. While I admit that I enjoyed the sex, it was never about the sex. It was always about inflicting fear upon those who inflicted pain upon me. In a very real sense, I was a terrorist. And because of that, to this day I strongly sympathize with terrorists. Even while I abhor their "cause" (religious excuse), I understand their need to inflict fear. Hint: it's not political, or even fanatical. It's personal. Very personal. It's all about a sense (or delusion) of justice, and volition.

"Do you believe that pedophilia can be "cured", or treated? Are you interested in such treatment?" - M.B of WA

Again, it depends on what you mean by "cured" (or "treated"). If you are asking if I think a person's sexual interests can be intentionally changed, then the answers is, absolutely. But, I also believe, based on years of personal research and study, that doing so will have unpredictable and often disastrous results if it is done without careful consideration for the deep emotional "needs" that the preference satisfies. You can easily control a man's behavior by placing him in a prison cell alone (solitary confinement). But doing so is known to cause all sorts of psychological maladies. Not everyone suffers from such confinement, but most people do simply because their basic emotional "needs" are not being met. So their mind desperately (and unconsciously) seeks a way to fulfill those needs, perhaps by simply creating an imaginary friend (hallucinations), or in more severe cases, by creating an entirely new "reality", or just shutting down the conscious mind to the point of comatosis (is that a word?). Some people aren't affected at all, psychologically. But you can't point to the exceptions and claim they are "proof" of a fallacy in the rule. An you likewise can't claim that because some "sex offenders" (people) respond and adjust well to "treatment" then that proves that treatment does "work", if you "let it". The ones who "respond well" will have most likely found another way, naturally, to satisfy the emotional aspects of their sexual preferences. Maybe the "new" (and presumably "healthy" or at least "socially acceptable") preference also happens to satisfy their emotional "needs". Or, maybe they accidentally (or intentionally, and "luckily") found some other (non-sexual) way to satisfy their "needs". The point here is that if you try to change ("cure" or "treat") a person's naturally determined sexual preference without addressing the deeply personal emotional "needs" that the preference satisfies then you are asking for a disaster. In my case, for example, the "treatment" and consequent "confinement" (or "punishment") I received resulted in my unconscious mind resorting to extremely violent fantasies involving sex with children (the perceived source of the deep emotional wounds my mind was trying to "heal") and ultimately to my acting upon those fantasies (when they turned out to be "not enough" to satisfy my deepest emotional "needs").

Of course, not everyone's unconscious mind finds the same "solutions" that mine did. But, I can assure you that the problem solving methodology that the mind uses is the same for everyone. So, to answer the second part of your question, yes, I AM interested in so-called "treatment" for "sex offenders". But, only in the same way, and for the same reasons, that I am interested in history, especially human history; so I can better understand my own nature, and try not to repeat the mistakes of the past, if you know what I mean.

"From your blog anyone can see that you are sexually attracted to children. Have you received any treatment for pedophilia, and, if so, what is that like? Can you remember the first time that you realized you [were sexually attracted to children]?" - M.B. of WA

Yes, I am currently very interested in sex with young children. And yes, I received "treatment" at the infamous and defunct "Sexual Psychopath Treatment Program" at Western State (mental) Hospital, in Steilacoom, Washington, for approximately two years after my arrest in 1980 (when I was 17). Because of my crime, forcing another boy to take off his clothes and putting my dick in his mouth, I was told that I was a "homosexual pedophile", and if I refused to accept this I would be "in denial" and sent to prison as "non-amendable to treatment". So, I didn't just accept it, I convinced myself it was true. Because I was so naive and trusting, I believed what they told me. It was the only way that I could "get better", or so I thought. And, I desperately, more than anything else in the whole world just wanted to "get better", so I could be "normal". It wasn't until many years later, in prison and beyond, that I began educating myself, and figuring out that I wasn't (as in WAS NOT) ever sexually attracted to children the way they said. It took me a while to sort out what I was told to believe (i.e. that I was "sexually deviant", and "criminal", amongst other things) from the truth of my own experience and memories. For example, just months before my arrest in 1980, I was living in a group home surrounded by mostly younger and extremely accessible boys. But I never once while I was there remember ever being interested in any of the other boys sexually, nor did I ever do or pursue anything sexual with anyone at the "Boys Ranch" (or "Dyslin's" as it was called). Also, shortly after my arrest for "raping" another boy, I was placed in an enclosed day-room at the juvenile detention center with a much younger boy and left alone for several hours while we sorted and folded laundry. I remember telling the other "SPs" at the treatment program that I thought the younger boy in that situation was "cute", and I "peeped" on him when he changed the ragged pair of underpants he had on with a clean new pair he found in the laundry, which we were tasked with sorting. This memory, which was still clear to me after all the distortions in my memories and thinking that were imposed upon me forcefully (via intense classical "brain washing" techniques, like extreme pressure, provoked confusion, and sleep deprivation) during my two years of "treatment", along with a lot of other information and hard evidence that I used to slowly dismantle their "programming" of my mind. So, what was that like? Psychological hell. But, I don't remember ever actually pursuing an interest in sex with children until after (yes, after) my stint in the "SP" treatment program, while I was in prison. It wasn't until then that I started doing things like looking for pictures of children in their underwear in magazines and books. I never did that while I was in the "treatment" program itself. In hindsight, I have come to realize that my sexual interest in children grew out of an unconscious need for a sense of control in my life after all other avenues of any control were taken away from me, and especially after I received a 15 and a half year "minimum" term after I got to prison. When I look back on my life, and my changing sexual preferences, I can see clear and strong correlations between the strength and intensity of interest in sex with children, especially violent sex, and the way I was treated by the System, and ostracized as a "monster". In essence, the more I was treated like a "monster", "pedophile", "rapist", etc... the more I unconsciously became those things. I believe now that this correlation is due to some sort of natural response to being deprived of "normal" human emotional "needs". This is why now I can, and do, speak of my sexual interest in children without shame or hesitation. I realize it is something natural. and even beautiful, when properly understood. It provides me with something on a deep emotional level that has been denied to me, and even forcefully taken from me by the System: A sense of control over my own mind and emotions, i.e. my life.

"Do you think that a healthy sexual relationship in line with your orientation at a younger age would have prevented you from committing [your crimes]?" - M.B. of WA

 What is a healthy sexual relationship? Do you mean, a "normal" sexual relationship? And, if by "orientation at a younger age" you mean my sexual preference as a teen (when I was arrested for "raping" another boy close to my own age), then I'd have to say, maybe. In response to this question I'd have to clarify my answer by saying only that if I had even had just a friend, or adult in my life, who I could have confided in with my feelings (sexual and otherwise) then I seriously doubt if I would ever have felt the need to impose my confusion on another boy who I didn't even know, or want to have sex with for that matter. My "sexual preference" as a teen was not confused. I was very much interested in girls (my own age) and young slender women. I enjoyed soft porn magazines like Oui, Hustler, and Playboy as much as any other "normal" boy my age. My only "confusion" at the time was how to get girls to like me, when I believed from being told so often (by my older sisters, and my own mother) that I was stupid and ugly (which I was neither, I know now, too late). If I had had someone to talk to, and to simply explain to me what a "relationship" was, and how to start, have, and end one, then I seriously doubt if I would have felt the need to impose my shame onto anyone --- because I wouldn't have had anything to be ashamed about.

"If you had not been incarcerated in 1980, or if the sentence had been more lenient or included counseling, do you think that you would have committed more violent crimes?" - M.B. of WA

It's hard to say, but I like to think not. In fact, I sincerely believe --- based on much honest self-reflection and years of struggling to understand my original "crime" --- that if I had not been caught and arrested at all then I would have most likely gone on with my life as just another sheep in the herd of society, blissfully oblivious to my own insanity, and the insanity of our social system. And for that reason alone, I am grateful I got caught, pushed, raped in  prison, and embittered against the System. it was the only way I was able to see through the veil of deception that the System uses to control and subdue so many, which ultimately allowed me to remove the monster mask of self-deception that kept me on the System's leash.

"Do you maintain that the sexual assaults and murders that you committed after your initial incarceration were done because you wanted revenge on society, and not just for the fulfillment of your sexual desires?" - M.B. of WA

Yes, I do. I do not deny that sexual desire was part of the motivation. But, sexual desire is intrinsically and inextricably intertwined with our primitive emotional core, where the desire for vengeance is born. All sexual desire is a product of our deepest emotional needs. So it turns out to be completely natural for a man who feels deeply violated to end up lusting sexually for revenge. If my own crimes aren't enough to convince you of this basic truth, then consider the role that rape, of men, women, and children, has always played in war. Need I say more? (Note: When the option of rape is removed as an outlet in war, then drugs, and suicide, become the compensation.)