The encrypted "diary" that I kept on the laptop that I had with me in the Jeep when I was arrested (in 2005) had (has) a few "pornographic" images of the two children I kidnapped from Idaho that I felt were particularily artful (I deleted all but these few nude images of the children out of respect for Shasta, the lone survivor, knowing how the police tend to exploit such images in ways far more public and harmful than anything a so-called pedophile would even want). Aside from the photos there is a Microsoft Word document that containes detailed descriptions of my thoughts, intentions and actions from the time I left Fargo up until literally just hours before my arrest.
The title of the Word file is, "An American Nightmare". I wrote it hoping that maybe someday someone (not me) would read it with an understanding and insight that might help stop people like me from being psychologically born into this world. I documented mostly my thoughts and reasoning behind my decisions and intentions, but as I recall I made little mention of any actual feelings, which were mostly "shut down" at the time in order for me to be able to do the things I believed needed to be done.
I don't think it was any more sincere than this blog, but it was certainly more candid and forthcoming since I didn't have to worry about censorship, which is the primary limitation that restricts my ability to be completely candid even now. Prison mail censors, Internet media censors, blogspot content restrictions, and social outcry are all things I must consider with every exposition I write for the Fifth Nail. So-called free speech is a relative concept. If I truly could "speak" (or write) freely then I wouldn't have needed to encrypt anything. (I'm not suggesting speech should be completely free, nor that it shouldn't be - I'm only observing the fact that it's not nearly as free as most people pretend or otherwise presume.)
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