"Why did you decide to go into the restaurant [Denny’s] with Shasta when you knew she [would likely be recognized]? Did you do it to find an end to everything?" – M.H. of Sweden

The simplest answer is that I had a “change of heart” about what I was doing. I had set out in a rage to “punish society” for all the “evil injustices” it had done to me. I wanted to make the people who so ignorantly hurt me feel the way I felt; the loss, the fear, the constant threat and turmoil with no hope of peace. And I wanted to do it as “poetically” as I could (by attacking the very thing that was taken from me; childhood innocence, family security, and the hope of life itself). But, somehow in the middle of it all I suddenly realized something that is difficult, if not impossible, to put into words. I realized that I was a manifestation of society too; I was ignorantly punishing (i.e. causing more pain and suffering for) myself! “Punishing society” suddenly didn’t make sense to me anymore. So the only thing I COULD do at that point was take Shasta home and turn myself in.

Yes, I expected Shasta would be recognized, either at the restaurant, or as we drove into Coeur d’Alene with Shasta riding in full view in the passenger’s seat. I even told her what would probably happen if she was recognized (so she wouldn’t be afraid when it happened), which the police confirmed in their reports (from interviews with Shasta, and my actions at the restaurant when I was arrested). I made no effort to conceal or control her. I told her repeatedly that she could walk away and ask another adult for help anytime she wanted, or if she wanted I would take her to a police station or hospital myself. She requested that I take her myself (she wanted me to be with her). In fact, it was her request that we stop for something to eat first, because she was hungry. I told her again that she might be recognized in the restaurant, but she wanted to go in anyway. So we did.

Since my arrest I have never lied to the police or withheld any information requested of me about my crimes, including all the murders in different states (Washington and California) that I was not even a suspect for. Neither have I attempted to resist, or “fight” the system in any way (though my lawyers “defended” me most of the time directly against my wishes). Even the appeal currently “keeping me alive” was initiated by my lawyers without my consent. I don’t want to die, or “find an end to everything” (as you suggest in your question). I just believe that the system is incapable of finding the truth, or justice, so there’s absolutely no point in pretending along with it to do so.

The “epiphany” that caused me to bring Shasta home and turn myself in also caused me to see life itself quite a bit differently than most people do these days. I no longer see life as something that can be destroyed or taken away (i.e. ending in death). I see it instead as a continuous and infinite process that can never be halted or controlled. The system can only destroy my body, and maybe even my mind, but it cannot destroy the source of my being; it cannot destroy who I really am. I guess you can say that I came to realize WHO I really was, and as a result I have no reason to fear death, or suffer the delusions of those who do (such as the illusion of power and control over anything).

I wouldn’t call myself religious, though I supposed many would say (and have said) that I had a “religious experience”. But, I prefer to think of it as an encounter with the “really real” (i.e. ultimate reality), or what I have often called, “the Living Truth”. It didn’t change me as much as it changed the way I “see” (or “understand”) my experiences. I am still a very “sick” man, but at least I know that I am a MAN, nor more, and no less, than any other.

"You went to college for what? Did you get any degrees?" - T.M. of Ontario

I attended North Dakota State University as a full time student from 2000 to 2003, and then part time after that until 2005 when I absconded. I was slated to graduate in the spring of 2005 (I was enrolled in my final two courses at the time I ran away) with a B.S. in Computer Science. I would have graduated wearing a Phi Kappa Phi honor society medallion (the only medallion permitted to be word at graduation) and a Golden Key sash (for being in the top 10% of my class).

I had already picked up my medallion and registered to graduate. I even had graduation announcements printed and ready to send.

I also have two Associates degrees that I earned while in prison; an A.S. in Electronics from Pierce College, and an A.A. in General Studies from Walla Walla Community College.

I also have a real High School diploma (not just a G.E.D.) that I earned in prison. I actually completed the last credits I needed to graduate from High School while I was in segregation at the age of 21.

"What do you see when you look at yourself in the mirror?" - T.M. of Ontario

I see only a man.

"Do you read the Bible?" - T. M. of Ontario

Absolutely. As much as I resent Christian bigotry, I recognize that I live in a decidedly Christian culture. So, even though I do not call myself a Christian - nor ever will again - I would only be depriving myself of understanding if I did not read the Bible. It is a part of the world I live in.

I not only have read the entire Bible in the past, and studied it on many occasions (even recently), I also keep a good quality personal NIV/KJV Bible within easy reach near my bunk in my cell as a reference while reading or even just watching TV. I consider myself more familiar with the Bible than most Christians, and quite frankly, I respect the book, but not the religion it is used to perpetrate.

"If you had a chance in the future to get out (of prison) would you rape children again or be involved in a sexual relationship with a child?" - hotairballoon, comment

No, I don't think I would, but I honestly couldn't say. I can say, however, and honestly, that an important part of the reason I surrendered myself to the authorities of this world when I brought Shasta home, and accepted the imprisonment that I knew would follow - and even the possibility of death - was because it was the only way I could be sure that I wouldn't hurt more people, especially children. I knew then, only that something was "wrong" with my thinking. I was extremely confused and disoriented. I knew something was "wrong", but I did not know what was "right". So, I surrendered so others could decide what to do for me (this is exactly what I told my attorneys and the FBI when they interviewed me).

So, would I rape, or otherwise molest children if I were somehow miraculously released? No, as I said, I think not. I'd rather die than return to the state of fear and delusion that prompted my violence and impositions of the past. That has not changed since my arrest, and I seriously doubt if it ever will.

"Do you like women?" - hotairballoon, comment

Yes, but not all women. I like intelligent, thoughtful, and courageous women who enjoy like minded company. Women like the Kardashians, who think the only thing that matters is their attractiveness (i.e. "beauty" and "personality"), repulse me like I no doubt repulse them - which suits me just fine.

"Are you attracted to children?" - hotairballoon, comment

I assume you mean to ask if i am sexually aroused by children, and the answer is absolutely yes. It took me a lot of painful self-honesty before I finally was able to accept that my "attraction to children" was not the sickness I had been told it was all my life. I've already written about this self-perpetuating deception elsewhere in the Fifth Nail blogs, so I won't go into it here. But, I will say that I have come to realize that all sexual affinities, including my own for children, are learned from experience, not from any internal sickness or perversion.