"Why did you decide to go into the restaurant [Denny’s] with Shasta when you knew she [would likely be recognized]? Did you do it to find an end to everything?" – M.H. of Sweden

The simplest answer is that I had a “change of heart” about what I was doing. I had set out in a rage to “punish society” for all the “evil injustices” it had done to me. I wanted to make the people who so ignorantly hurt me feel the way I felt; the loss, the fear, the constant threat and turmoil with no hope of peace. And I wanted to do it as “poetically” as I could (by attacking the very thing that was taken from me; childhood innocence, family security, and the hope of life itself). But, somehow in the middle of it all I suddenly realized something that is difficult, if not impossible, to put into words. I realized that I was a manifestation of society too; I was ignorantly punishing (i.e. causing more pain and suffering for) myself! “Punishing society” suddenly didn’t make sense to me anymore. So the only thing I COULD do at that point was take Shasta home and turn myself in.

Yes, I expected Shasta would be recognized, either at the restaurant, or as we drove into Coeur d’Alene with Shasta riding in full view in the passenger’s seat. I even told her what would probably happen if she was recognized (so she wouldn’t be afraid when it happened), which the police confirmed in their reports (from interviews with Shasta, and my actions at the restaurant when I was arrested). I made no effort to conceal or control her. I told her repeatedly that she could walk away and ask another adult for help anytime she wanted, or if she wanted I would take her to a police station or hospital myself. She requested that I take her myself (she wanted me to be with her). In fact, it was her request that we stop for something to eat first, because she was hungry. I told her again that she might be recognized in the restaurant, but she wanted to go in anyway. So we did.

Since my arrest I have never lied to the police or withheld any information requested of me about my crimes, including all the murders in different states (Washington and California) that I was not even a suspect for. Neither have I attempted to resist, or “fight” the system in any way (though my lawyers “defended” me most of the time directly against my wishes). Even the appeal currently “keeping me alive” was initiated by my lawyers without my consent. I don’t want to die, or “find an end to everything” (as you suggest in your question). I just believe that the system is incapable of finding the truth, or justice, so there’s absolutely no point in pretending along with it to do so.

The “epiphany” that caused me to bring Shasta home and turn myself in also caused me to see life itself quite a bit differently than most people do these days. I no longer see life as something that can be destroyed or taken away (i.e. ending in death). I see it instead as a continuous and infinite process that can never be halted or controlled. The system can only destroy my body, and maybe even my mind, but it cannot destroy the source of my being; it cannot destroy who I really am. I guess you can say that I came to realize WHO I really was, and as a result I have no reason to fear death, or suffer the delusions of those who do (such as the illusion of power and control over anything).

I wouldn’t call myself religious, though I supposed many would say (and have said) that I had a “religious experience”. But, I prefer to think of it as an encounter with the “really real” (i.e. ultimate reality), or what I have often called, “the Living Truth”. It didn’t change me as much as it changed the way I “see” (or “understand”) my experiences. I am still a very “sick” man, but at least I know that I am a MAN, nor more, and no less, than any other.