"What exactly drove you to sexually assault younger kids as a teenager?" --- powerpsi

When I was 16, I used an unloaded gun to scare a younger boy (age 14) into taking off his clothes and letting me put my penis in his mouth. I was consequently charged with rape, assault, kidnapping, and numerous other crimes. I plead guilty to one count of first degree rape and spent the next twenty years as a ward of the state, over 17 of those years in prison, where I myself was violently raped and repeatedly assaulted. So when you ask me what drove me to sexually assault younger kids as a teenager, I just want to laugh. Your question (and accompanying comment) is biased and ignorant. I can't even begin to tell you all the reasons why it is impossible for me or anyone else to answer, not to mention the fact that even if it could be answered, it wouldn't help anyone stop it from happening again. The only thing an answer to a question like this ever could accomplish --- which is what I think you are no doubt attempting to accomplish by even asking --- is finding something or someone to blame for what happened so that you don't have to face the ugly truth that you yourself are no different than me insofar as we are both, presumably, human, and equally at fault (though neither of us, or anyone else, should be blamed).

Yet, I don't blame you for asking either, because I understand why you would, just as I would, if I were in your shoes, so to speak. Just as you would have done the same as I did when I was a teen if you were in my shoes. Realizing this truth, instead of evading it the way your question does, is the only way we will ever come to understand such behavior together. We must understand it together, because it is something we did --- and continue doing --- together.

So, if you are really seeking to understand, as you claim, then as yourself what exactly would drive you to "rape" (or "murder", for that matter). At least then you'd be looking in the right direction for answers, inside yourself, instead of outside yourself for something or someone to blame.

[J.D. August 31, 2018]

"How do you feel about death at this point? Do you fear it, welcome it, or simply don't care either way?" --- JDun

I don't fear it, not even subconsciously. I don't welcome it either, at least not in any sense that I "want to die" or anything like that. But, if someone put a gun in my face and told me to say my prayers, I'd probably just smile and try to say something witty, like, "Hello, my friend..." (a reference to death itself, not the person holding the gun). At least that's what I have done in dreams recently when I faced such death. Not that I dream of dying often, only sometimes (maybe two or three times that I can remember in the last year), and as you know (if you read this blog), I dream a lot. But, when I do dream of my own death it is always something that happens in stride, and is nothing I consider in the dream or in life to be out of the ordinary. In other words, I seem to understand death, even subconsciously, as just another part of life. I certainly do not see it as "punishment" for anything. in my view, it's more of an escape, if anything. Which is why I usually refer to my so-called "execution" (death sentence) as my "release day", because to me that's all it is.

[J.D. Aug. 30, 2018] 

"What would you like to see happen to your blog once you're 'released'?" - Z.M. of Lakeland, FL

First let me say that I appreciate your thoughtful card (yes, I enjoy cats very much!) and questions. As for the fate of the Fifth Nail blogs (including the original blog from Fargo) after my "release" (a.k.a. "execution") I can only hope that the information that has been so painstakingly compiled remains available on the Internet for as long as it takes until we, as intelligent species, grow wise enough to read and understand it without judgment. Perhaps then it will become something useful and valuable, if not to help change the world into a better place to live and learn, then maybe just as a resource for understanding how our world was once sickened by so much fear and ignorance.

I have always looked far into the future while writing for the Fifth Nail blogs. I do not write for those who judge and ignorantly condemn themselves as the vast majority in this world only know how to do. I write instead to provide a resource, exposing the thoughts, feelings, memories, and experiences of an ordinary human mind infected by a profoundly sick social system for a future world where such ignorance no longer prevails. So you could say that my real hope is only that these blogs, and the world itself, somehow manage simply survive into the future. That's all.

[J.D. March 4, 2018]

"What advice would you give to someone that was going through a situation that they think will never get better?" --- Z.M. of Lakeland, FL

I don't think I'm a person anyone should be asking for advice. But, I can tell you how I deal with "hopeless" situations personally. As you probably know, I have been on "death row" for over ten years and my attorneys have nearly exhausted all of their appeals. And for the last thirteen years (since my arrest in 2005) I have lived in solitary confinement, many of those years in conditions well-known for causing severe psychological stress (i.e. little human contact, constant harassment, unappetizing food, no T.V. or radio, one blanket, and a thin mattress on a too narrow concrete slab for a "bunk", surrounded by filth and vermin like cockroaches, mold, and maggots - I'm referring mostly here to the two years I spent in Riverside County Jail in Southern California - yes, it was that bad!). And yet I have managed to maintain excellent health in body, mind, and spirit (i.e. I have no medical conditions and generally don't feel depressed).

How? By constantly remembering and choosing to focus my mind on what I HAVE, not on what I WANT and DON'T HAVE! In the worst cases, when the circumstances are so bad that all I HAVE is my mind, body, and breath, it is these things I turn to for "comfort". Some call this meditation, but I think of it as simply taking absolutely NOTHING for granted; not even the air I breathe. Each breath is an enjoyable experience all by itself. This is what works for me. But I don't expect it to work for everyone. And since it is so well-documented (as "meditation" usually") I normally don't talk (or write) about it much. So thank you for asking.

[J.D. March 4, 2018]