"When did your sexual confusion turn violent? Was there always an interest in sexual violence, or did a specific incident spur it?" --- K.B. of TN

I have tried to provide the answer to this question in the "Confession"-section of this blog (more specifically, see "What Happened In Prison - Part III: The Transition" posted on March 4, 2012). But, I realize that is a lot to sort through, so I'll provide a "short answer" here.

Yes. In 1989 (or thereabouts) when the ISRB (a.k.a. "Parole Board") added several years to my already exceptional sentence, not for any reason (e.g. disciplinary, etc.) except because they "felt" (contrary to the psychological report they were provided and the voluntary testimony of a tenured psychologist at the parole hearing) that I was at "high risk to re-offend". I had previously been found "paroleable" by order of a state court, and now the ISRB had taken that away from me for what I considered a "made up" reason that was completely unsupportable by any facts other than the political hype against "sex offender recidivism rates". I remember very clearly at that point in my life, realizing that no matter what I did (or didn't do) and no matter how hard I tried to "heal" myself (I had put a lot of effort into preparing to "do well" when I got out, which the ISRB just ignored --- see the "In Prison" post mentioned above for more details), that I would be punished (and was in fact being punished) not for what I did, but for what I MIGHT do!

It was at this point that for the first time I began fantasizing about and planning for the day that I would "make them pay". If I was to be punished for future crimes, then I would make sure those crimes fit or exceeded the punishment. And that's exactly what I did. This desire for "justice" became so ingrained that after I got out on parole (several years later --- see "What Happened In Prison - Part VI: The Streets" posted on September 19, 2014) and no longer felt the "desire" for revenge, I carried out my plans regardless, out of "respect" for my past self (when I was in prison, I knew that I would lose the "desire" for vengeance after I got out, and could no longer directly feel the "pain" of what "they" took from me, so I made a kind of "pact" and promise to myself that no matter how "well" I was doing, I would never forget the pain and suffering "they" caused me, and I would carry through with my plans to "make them pay"; and I reinforced this oath many times over the years, most notably when Westley Allan Dodd was executed on January 5, 1993 --- see "What Happened In Prison - Part IV: The Queen" posted on March 29, 2012).

I do not like violence, and I was violent only because I felt I needed to be in order to exact my "revenge". I think it is a huge mistake to assume that violence is something "caused". Violence is a force of life that has no more "cause" than gravity. So it might help to think of what happened back in 1989, when the ISRB extended my sentence without reason, as a situation where my reasons for not being violent --- the "stem" that connected me to a branch in the "tree" --- was cut off, and I "fell", or simply experienced the "force of gravity" (violence) that had been acting on me all along. The ISRB did not "cause" me to be violent any more than they "cause" gravity. All they did was cut me from the tree, something "they" are very good at doing with no regard for where the ones they cut free might fall. (And by "they" I mean anyone who thinks separating the "bad apples" from the "good apples" is a "good" idea, without stopping to consider where the "bad apples" might "fall".)

[J.D. January 30, 2017]