"What do you see when you look at yourself in the mirror?" - T.M. of Ontario

I see only a man.

"Do you read the Bible?" - T. M. of Ontario

Absolutely. As much as I resent Christian bigotry, I recognize that I live in a decidedly Christian culture. So, even though I do not call myself a Christian - nor ever will again - I would only be depriving myself of understanding if I did not read the Bible. It is a part of the world I live in.

I not only have read the entire Bible in the past, and studied it on many occasions (even recently), I also keep a good quality personal NIV/KJV Bible within easy reach near my bunk in my cell as a reference while reading or even just watching TV. I consider myself more familiar with the Bible than most Christians, and quite frankly, I respect the book, but not the religion it is used to perpetrate.

"If you had a chance in the future to get out (of prison) would you rape children again or be involved in a sexual relationship with a child?" - hotairballoon, comment

No, I don't think I would, but I honestly couldn't say. I can say, however, and honestly, that an important part of the reason I surrendered myself to the authorities of this world when I brought Shasta home, and accepted the imprisonment that I knew would follow - and even the possibility of death - was because it was the only way I could be sure that I wouldn't hurt more people, especially children. I knew then, only that something was "wrong" with my thinking. I was extremely confused and disoriented. I knew something was "wrong", but I did not know what was "right". So, I surrendered so others could decide what to do for me (this is exactly what I told my attorneys and the FBI when they interviewed me).

So, would I rape, or otherwise molest children if I were somehow miraculously released? No, as I said, I think not. I'd rather die than return to the state of fear and delusion that prompted my violence and impositions of the past. That has not changed since my arrest, and I seriously doubt if it ever will.

"Do you like women?" - hotairballoon, comment

Yes, but not all women. I like intelligent, thoughtful, and courageous women who enjoy like minded company. Women like the Kardashians, who think the only thing that matters is their attractiveness (i.e. "beauty" and "personality"), repulse me like I no doubt repulse them - which suits me just fine.

"Are you attracted to children?" - hotairballoon, comment

I assume you mean to ask if i am sexually aroused by children, and the answer is absolutely yes. It took me a lot of painful self-honesty before I finally was able to accept that my "attraction to children" was not the sickness I had been told it was all my life. I've already written about this self-perpetuating deception elsewhere in the Fifth Nail blogs, so I won't go into it here. But, I will say that I have come to realize that all sexual affinities, including my own for children, are learned from experience, not from any internal sickness or perversion.

"What does praying mean to you? What does meditation mean to you?" - M.E. of Germany

To me prayer is a way to explicitly talk to "God" (or whatever you prefer to call the Intelligence behind our existence). And meditation is a way to explicitly listen. I think meditation (i.e. listening) to "God" is far more important (and beneficial) than praying. When we pray we seldom know what to pray about and end up pretending to know instead. For example, when Jesus taught his followers to pray, he taught them to pray for "us" not "self". He also discouraged any prayers for a person's health, wealth, and welfare. He taught us to pray God's will to be done, not ours. If Christians listened half as much as they like to talk perhaps they'd realize the insanity of their numerous prayers. I rarely actually pray, but I meditate often. And when I do pray I do not invoke any "God" by name. I simply send my thoughts "outward", and hope that they are heard, but don't count on it. I also believe that at the center of everyone's "heart" is a "core prayer" that defines the purpose of their existence. I believe we can "hear" our core prayer in the same way we can "hear" God. By meditating we can learn our purpose, and hence "God's Will" for us.

I believe my core prayer has to do with World Salvation. That doesn't mean I think I am the savior of the world, only that I am here to help somehow. I sometimes think of my core prayer as "The Fifth Nail".

"You keep on referring to turning yourself in, but we all know you did no such thing... Why do you continue to lie?" - Dhanvantari Nanni, comment

You are correct to say that I did not turn myself in, strictly speaking. But, I frequently refer to my arrest as "surrendering to the authorities", and sometimes I say that I "turned myself in" only because it's a lot simpler than trying to explain why I was at that Denny's at one in the morning when I knew that I would be arrested.

As for what "we all know": every authority who is familiar with my arrest, from the arresting officer to the Federal prosecutors, and including all the doctors (both for the defense and against) and investigators, have consistently concluded that I knew Shasta would be recognized and I'd likely be arrested if I took her into that Denny's. Shasta herself told the police and FBI that I have warned her I might be arrested if she was recognized. She also told the police that the only reason we were even in Coeur d'Alene was because I was bringing her home and turning myself in.

All of Shasta's statements and my own statements since my arrest in this regard have been collaborated by extensive investigations and hard evidence. In fact, at my most recent competency hearing (January this year) the prosecutor repeatedly referred to the fact that I was turning myself in as evidence to support the government's position that I was behaving "rationally" (and hence, competently). No one, except perhaps a few misinformed news junkies, has ever seriously questioned the fact that I was returning Shasta home and turning myself in at the time I was arrested. The only question has been WHY I was doing it (i.e. turning myself in). But that's an entirely different matter all together. The point here is that there is no indication, beyond unchecked prejudice, that would ever even suggest I was doing anything but turning myself in and surrendering unconditionally to the present authorities of this world. That surrender, existentially, is what this blog is essentially all about. So you'll have to forgive me for referring to it on occasion.

It wouldn't have been any different than if I were arrested in the police station parking lot, or in the hospital emergency room, where I'd planned to take Shasta the next day after visiting the public library in Coeur d'Alene to make one last blog entry before my arrest.

Obviously I never got to make that blog entry. Shasta was hungry, and after I explained the risk of my being arrested at the Denny's restaurant to her she decided she still wanted something to eat. So we went in, and the rest, as they say, is history. I would not have been "caught" when I was if I didn't want to be, and that's simply a fact that some people don't like to admit.