"Your write [in response to another question] that you hope to be forgiven. What or who is it you want forgiveness from, and why?" - Kiefer89

My hope for forgiveness is not one I have for my own sake, but for the sake of those that condemn me instead. Remember, that to me, forgiveness is not something you do for someone else, it is something you do for yourself. My hope is that others will forgive me, not so I can have peace or some other relief from condemnation; but, so they can have peace in their own hearts, and no longer participate themselves in the cycle of suffering that currently plagues our world.

"Do you think you're going to heaven when you die?" - anonymous

No, not personally; or, rather, not as the individual I am this moment. I do believe, however, that life is eternal. But, in order for it to be eternal it must also by extension be infinite. That means in the strictest sense, I am God. But, again, not the individual I am at this particular moment. That individual is finite, and hence mortal, and will most certainly cease to exist beyond the time of his death. I will never exist as Joseph E. Duncan III (a.k.a. «Jet») again in the future beyond my death, and nor has Jet ever existed in the past before he was born. Jet's memories, body, and mind will be lost to the world, at least until the end of time (which must have an end at some point, since it seems to have had a beginning --- according to our best scientific understanding). (What happens upon «the end of time» is another question altogether; but I tend to follow Nietzsche's line of reasoning that says it all happens over again, with variations... which is perfectly consistent with modern quantum theory.)

So, sorry, Jet won't be seeing anyone in «heaven» or «hell» anytime soon. But, the Being I am (a.k.a. «God») will be here long after Jet has passed away. And, God will never forget about Jet, or stop loving me. So, in this way I will be in heaven after I die, as a memory in the mind of God. And since we exist in the first place as mere thoughts in that same mind, I will be just as real then as I am now... only not as temporal.

[J.D. May 28, 2015]

"What do you mean when you say you were 'out for revenge against society'? Those people you hurt never hurt you, so why did you hurt them?" - My Mom

There is probably nobody I wish more that I could make understand why I did what I did than my own mother. But, even though it has been ten years now since my arrest, I still get questions like this from her when we speak on the phone. And I can't tell you the number of times I have tried to explain it to her. The problem is that I can't yet honestly even explain it to myself. And if I can't make myself understand, then I know I'll never be able to make anyone else understand, much less my own mother.

So, my answer to this question, like all others, is no more than my current, and most honest, attempt to express what was going through my mind when I attacked and killed those people. It's not an excuse, and it's not an explanation. It is only my own understanding, for what it's worth.

No. «Those people» did not hurt me personally. And even though I did attack them personally, it wasn't them that I was trying to hurt, nor even wanted to hurt. Attacking «them», and specifically «their children», and even more specifically, in a manner that would invoke the most fear, hatred, and disgust from society in general, was the best way I knew to hurt society the same way I felt it hurt me. I wanted people in general to feel what i felt when I was taken from my family as a kid, psychologically tortured by a bunch of depraved men who openly lusted after me in ways I had never even imagined possible, betrayed by the police who promised to «get me the help I needed», and by the therapist who tried to bribe my mother for sex in exchange for «helping her son», and then sent to prison for another fifteen years, where I was repeatedly raped by other prisoners, and denied parole simply because I tried to «help» myself solve my own sickness.

I didn't blame the judge for sending me to an adult «sexual psychopath» treatment program when I was still very much just a naive and confused kid, or for later sending me to prison even though the pre-sentencing report said plainly that I would be targeted and raped by other prisoners because of my youth and appearance. And I didn't blame the prisoners who raped me, or the guards who refused to protect me when I went to them tearfully begging and terrified. I didn't blame the therapist for trying to bribe sex with my mother, or the «sexual psychopaths» for explicitly telling me over and over that I was just like them when I wasn't like them at all (it was known even back then that adult «offenders» have well-established behavior patterns and preferences, which make them difficult, but not impossible, to treat, whereas juvenile «offenders» have only weakly established behavior patterns and preferences that are much easier to change, and hence «treat» successfully). I didn't blame the parole board for repeatedly denying my parole and secretly conspiring with prison counselors (as a lawyer later discovered in my prison records) to keep me locked up over five times longer than the «recommended sentencing range» for my crime.

No, I didn't blame the judge who sentenced me, I blamed society for demanding that «sex offenders» like me be punished ten times or more severely for touching a boy's penis than a child abuser gets for beating a child half to death and leaving him brain damaged for life (like the man who did this to my three-year-old nephew). I didn't blame the prisoners who raped me, or the guards for letting them, but instead I blamed society for paying the guards to imprison me and society again for turning away when a «child rapist» gets raped in prison. I blamed society for allowing unqualified therapists to run an experimental treatment program with no effective oversight. And I blamed society for the fear mongering and ignorance that allowed the parole board to cling to its power (and money) for more than thirty years after it was supposed to be replaced by the Sentencing Reform Act (under which I would have served three to five years at the most). 

As you can tell, by the time I finally convinced a gay man to pay for the legal work necessary to get me out of prison so he could have sex with me, I was pretty damned pissed off at society. And in my mind that not only gave me the right to hurt anyone I wanted, it made me obligated to do so (if I didn't, then I was no better than they were; cowards who expected «justice» to be served up for them by someone else).

So no, «those people» never hurt me personally. But, they were members of society, and to me that made them fair game. I know now that I was only ever hurting myself. And, I know now, that they are only ever hurting themselves when they hurt me in the first place. And, even now «they» are only hurting themselves as they attempt to hurt me even more for hurting them again. I see the «cycle of justice» for what it is, a cycle of escalating violence and self-inflicted suffering.

I exited that cycle by throwing down the rock I meant to kill Shasta with, and then surrendering to the very people who have been hurting me all my life. I exited because of the courage to love that I found in the heart of my last intended victim. If she could love me, after all I had done to her, then I could love society --- but, not «society» at all, but the people who make up society --- the «people» who never hurt me at all. 

I came to realize that the «monster» that I was out for vengeance against (i.e. «society») never existed anyplace except in my own mind. It was an illusion that my mind invented as a way to gain control over my own painful experiences. Except, of course, because it was an illusion and not real, I never gained control of anything, and only ended up losing touch with what was real, and hence, losing control completely.

My unconscious mind played all sorts of tricks on me in order to maintain this illusion of «control». And because I bowed to the authority of my conscious mind (i.e. the delusion of self-control and volition), that I had been taught all my life was king (a lie that inflicts the entire human race), I never realized that I was attacking a chimera; at least not until I finally saw that chimera for what it was, by looking through the eyes of a child, who had not yet learned to trust the «King of Consciousness» (i.e. the «Lord of Deception» a.k.a. «The Devil», metaphorically, of course).

At that moment I bowed to the True King, and no longer feared the chimera I had fought and hated all my life. I saw that the «monster» was not real, nor where my «demons». But, more importantly, I saw --- for the first time since I myself was a small child --- what WAS real! I saw the life, and the capacity for love, that stood in front of me. I saw the child, Shasta, for the first time, instead of the underbelly of a «beast» that I thought had been hurting me all my life. And once I «saw» the child, Shasta, for what she was, I could no longer hurt her. I had «no choice» (as I have said many times since) but to protect her, and take her home.

So that, mom, is why I did what I did. And it is why «they» continue to do what they do (condemn me to death). Because they see only a «monster» that their unconscious mind constructs in order for their conscious minds to believe they have some «control» over the source of their own pain and suffering. They can't see me as a human being, or the «child» that you see, because they still bow to the Lord of Deception, in exchange for their precious illusion of power and control. They don't «see» that they have no control at all, because they are attacking only a chimera in their own minds, while their world collapses around them. This is the folly of false Justice. It is not about vengeance or punishment at all. It is simply nature at work. If we blame them for wanting to hurt us then we must blame ourselves, too. That would be buying back in to the illusion --- something I'll never do again. So, I forgive, and I pray you will too. (Forgiveness is really the only way! And all of this is in the Bible, and many other books as well.)

"What do you think makes people do what they do?" - M.M. of Emmitsburg, M.D.

Why do some dogs bite? Nature or nurture, or "a little of both" (as you suggest) is a misleading approach to this question. It dismisses volition as the primary factor. And I don't mean the superficial so-called “free will” that most people presume they have regarding simple decisions, such as when to sit down or stand up. No, I'm talking about the truest form of volition; the choices we make super-consciously about such things as when and where we will be born, and die (not to mention who we will love, and hate).

But, why DO some dogs bite? Isn't that what you are really asking? I think that dogs too have super-conscious volition over what they are (dogs), and whether or not they will choose to bite someone (human) or not at some point in their life. I'd like to say that these super-conscious choices are made before we are ever born; but they're not. They are made outside of and independent of the casual reality of temporal experience. They are not choices that are made the way we normally perceive choices to be made. They are choices made that take into consideration not only past experience, but future experience as well. As I have said before, a real choice can only be made if all causes (past experiences) and all consequences (future experiences) are taken into account. Otherwise, it is not a choice at all; it is only a random guess.

On the superficial level it doesn't matter why some dogs bite people and others don't. It only matters what YOU do when you get bit. Will you strike the dog immediately, and thus teach it not to bite? Or, will you wait, indefinitely, and debate a bunch of imagined (and invariably incorrect) reasons for why you were bitten? Maybe you will put the dog in a cage until you “figure out” why it bit you, and then what to do about it. By then of course the dog has no chance of ever learning not to bite people. And in most cases, the confinement and lack of normal social contact teaches the dog to behave even more antisocially. It begins urinating indoors, growling over food, and maybe even biting people every chance it gets.

Should we really be surprised? The dog bites because it is a dog after all. The better question is, why do we allow ourselves to be bitten?

To put this in the terms of your question: Instead of asking what makes other people do what they do; ask, what makes YOU do what YOU do. When you can honestly answer this question you will have your answer to the first.

[J.D. June 1, 2015]

"What do you expect from the courts and society?" - Timothy Huntly

I expect to be judged, condemned, hated, feared, persecuted, ostracized, spit upon, insulted, abused, and eventually killed. But, I hope to be embraced, loved, forgiven, and allowed once more to participate constructively with other people, and even children. My «hope» may seem unrealistic, but to me it is very real, and is what keeps me going in the face of the delusion of condemnation that presently engulfs all of us. My hope my not manifest in my lifetime; but it doesn't matter. Someday it will, someday we will see each other as One and the Same Entity, and we will love those who slip momentarily out of our embrace, and bring them closer rather than push them away. There will be no crime, no police, and no prisons in such a world. There will only be One Mind, and One Will; no ignorance, or fear. And we will be more free as individuals than we have ever been! That is my hope, and it is what ultimately compels me to write for the Fifth Nail. Even though what I write, no matter what I write, will continue to be condemned by the fearful masses for now, in my words my hope shines through for those with eyes to see, and the courage to love when so many can do no more than hate. Shasta was one. And the power of her love showed me «The Way» as no Christian proselytizer ever will. What her love did for me is proof that such a world is not only possible, but already on the way!

[J.D. May 23, 2015]