I see no contradiction here. I am not "at peace" completely, just much more than I have ever been, especially since before the epiphany that lead me to stop seeking false justice (e.g. killing people) and turn myself in. My life remains a "nightmare" by virtue of the fact that I have not yet attained complete peace. Or, to put it another way, I have not yet completed my purpose for being (in this world).
My terminology is a bit unconventional, but all I'm really saying is that all life (or, what we call life) is pain and suffering, in the traditional Buddhist sense. We experience pleasure and happiness only by incurring a cost of more pain and suffering. Since I continue to incure this cost, by masturbating for example, or even by simply breathing, I consider my life a nightmare, mostly in way of simply reminding myself that though I may not now be experiencing the cost of my pleasure, it no doubt will be paid, by me, in this life, or some other. But, not in any individualized sense. We all must bear the cost of all pleasures sought. So, my goal in life, or "my purpose", is to somehow bring awareness of these fundamental truths into being. And I can only do that by devine action, not by will of my own (as a limited being). So, if I must invoke suffering, then so be it.
What little "peace" I have comes from knowing (or, perhaps just believing) that my life has a purpose that is not my own, and yet completely mine in an infinite sense.
