"Did you ever seek help (for mental health issues)?" - N.B., Vancouver, WA

When I was a teenager there was nothing I wanted more than "help". I was very confused about a lot of things. and, unlike most teens, I knew I was confused. I didn't think I had everything figured out. Adults, of course, could not be trusted and always gave hypocritical and conflicting messages (in my experience). The only friends I had were just as confused as I was (in particularly, about sex), if not more so. And my older sisters didn't want to have anything to do with their "creepy" little brother.

So, when I was arrested at the age of 16, for "raping" a 14-year-old boy, and the police detective playing "good cop" told me they could get me help, if I confessed, I broke down crying and told them everything as honestly as I could. I remember very clearly and poignantly crying not out of shame or even because I had been caught - I cried because I believed that I would finally get some "help" and my painful confusion would finally end. Of course, I was only betrayed. The nightmare that followed over the course of the next 20 years only made my confusion, and pain, a thousand times worse.

(For more information about the "treatment" I received and subsequent incarceration, please see the Fifth Nail Memories. The "Real Story" and "What Happened In Prison" [Part 1: The Punk * Part II: The Convict * Part III: The Transition * Part IV: The Queen * Part V: The Merry-Go-Round * Part VI: The Streets * Part VII: The Last Laugh] entries for starters...)

"Have you ever suffered from mental health issues, like depression, or feeling alone, or out of control, or hearing voices, for example?" - N.B., Vancouver, WA

I usually answer this question with an emphatic, no. However, some "professionals" consider "sexual deviancy" a mental health issue. So, maybe I should say yes. In all honesty, I think it is a silly question. It's like asking, "Have you ever been visited by demons?" That was a typical and important question during the European witch trials of the 15th century. To the people back then it was an important and telling question. Someday, I believe, the question of "mental health issues" will seem just as ignorant.

However personal beliefs notwithstanding, several mental health experts have opined in court that I am psychotically delusional (and hence "legally incompetent"), while several others - perhaps a bit less "expert" - have opined that aside from a severe "personality disorder" (a term that the author of the Malleus Maleficarum could have invented) there is really nothing wrong with me mentally.

So, as it suited to the question, the answer is both yes and no, not to mention meaningless and hypocritical, all at the same time.

"Did you have a happy childhood?" - C.B., Italy

I cannot say it was happy, nor was it sad. I was "abused" a lot, but that seemed normal to me. It seemed like everyone abused me, my parents, my older sisters, my teachers, other children. I was used to it, so it didn't make me sad. Even now it does not make me sad. What the System did to me was far far worse.

"As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?" - N.B., Vancouver, WA

I read in an FBI interview report that my brother said I always wanted to be a criminal when I grew up, and he always wanted to be a cop. But, that's not what I remember.

I remember wanting to be an astronaut, and going to the moon, when I was a young child. As a teenager I wanted to join the Air Force and become an F-16 jet pilot.

After I was sent to prison I decided that I wanted to be a commercial saturation diver. I even contacted the Divers Institute of Technology in Seattle for information about their training programs. I found out that you must be under 25 to start a career as a commercial diver. So, when my sentence got stretched to over 15 years I was forced to abandon that dream as well.

"Were you shy or aggressive as a child?" - C.B., Italy

I think psychologists say I was "passive aggressive". I was shy and reserved for the most part, but if someone embarrassed me I would physically attack them, even if they were much bigger than I was. If I couldn't hurt them directly, then I would try to hurt them indirectly, by destroying something that belonged to them for example. I didn't care if they knew it was me who hurt them or not. It only mattered to me that they suffered.

As a child, I never tried to hurt anyone who did not hurt me first. I was not a bully, nor did I ever hurt animals or destroy things for no reason.

As a very young child (six years old) I did set fire to a school dumpster once. But, I only did it because someone else had been setting fires in our neighborhood and I was copying the behavior. After I saw the damage I had caused I felt bad and never did it again, even though I didn't get caught.

"Do you get to watch Discovery Channel? History Channel?" - Kiefer89

Yes, and yes. Each cell here on death row (SCU) had a one inch hole drilled through the concrete wet wall just below the electrical outlet box where we can plug in our 13-inch LED HD TVs, which are provided for us by the government. A standard 75-ohm coaxial cable is passed through the hole and connected to the institutional cable TV network. We have 28 commercial channels and three institutional channels to choose from. Only a few are actually HD (at least part of the time).

These are the commercial channels (the first four are local stations and are part time HD, the rest are not HD): NBC, CBS, FOX, ABC, ESPN, ESPN2, TBS, TNT, USA, History, AMC, CMT, E!, A&E, Spike, SyFy, Discovery, BET, Univision, Galavision, FX, CNN, Fox News, Fox Sports, WGN, VH1, WeTV, and Oxygen.

The three prison channels are for education, religious services, and weekend DVD movies (PG only). (The education channel only plays the same basic math video over and over, and there has been no religious programs shown since I've been here).

I personally use the TV options menu to unselect the news, sports, Spanish, and prison channels, which leaves me 21 channels to choose from. About a year ago we had more channels, but only black and white TVs. The channels I miss the most are PBS and TCM.

"Every now and then I read your blog. It is very interesting, but there are many comments full of hate towards you. How can you bear these words of hate?" - C.B., Italy

First and foremost I realize that though the hatred is directed at me it is not me these people really hate. It is only something inside of themselves that they are afraid of. So they project the hate onto me, as a kind of effigy, just as I once projected my hate onto them, or rather, onto people like them in society.

There is a lot of hate that gets projected back and forth in this way, between "offenders" and "victims". In essence, that's what this blog is all about; it hopes to expose the deception we use to justify our hate for each other, and by doing so open a path toward resolution, and a path toward forgiveness, which I believe is the only path of true justice (and sanity).

Those who read and understand this blog will know that I'm not talking about forgiveness for myself. Nor am I advocating some sort of "love conquers all" dogma. I am only taking responsibility for what I have done, and for what I do, and for what I will do yet, by doing all I can, as honestly as I can, to provide even those who feel that they hate me a chance to understand; not just me, but themselves, and us all, at the same time.

For this reason I feel it is important to open this blog up for comments, all comments, "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly". There is a truth behind everything, and an honest person will find it, even behind the hatred.