"If you had a chance in the future to get out (of prison) would you rape children again or be involved in a sexual relationship with a child?" - hotairballoon, comment

No, I don't think I would, but I honestly couldn't say. I can say, however, and honestly, that an important part of the reason I surrendered myself to the authorities of this world when I brought Shasta home, and accepted the imprisonment that I knew would follow - and even the possibility of death - was because it was the only way I could be sure that I wouldn't hurt more people, especially children. I knew then, only that something was "wrong" with my thinking. I was extremely confused and disoriented. I knew something was "wrong", but I did not know what was "right". So, I surrendered so others could decide what to do for me (this is exactly what I told my attorneys and the FBI when they interviewed me).

So, would I rape, or otherwise molest children if I were somehow miraculously released? No, as I said, I think not. I'd rather die than return to the state of fear and delusion that prompted my violence and impositions of the past. That has not changed since my arrest, and I seriously doubt if it ever will.

"Do you like women?" - hotairballoon, comment

Yes, but not all women. I like intelligent, thoughtful, and courageous women who enjoy like minded company. Women like the Kardashians, who think the only thing that matters is their attractiveness (i.e. "beauty" and "personality"), repulse me like I no doubt repulse them - which suits me just fine.

"Are you attracted to children?" - hotairballoon, comment

I assume you mean to ask if i am sexually aroused by children, and the answer is absolutely yes. It took me a lot of painful self-honesty before I finally was able to accept that my "attraction to children" was not the sickness I had been told it was all my life. I've already written about this self-perpetuating deception elsewhere in the Fifth Nail blogs, so I won't go into it here. But, I will say that I have come to realize that all sexual affinities, including my own for children, are learned from experience, not from any internal sickness or perversion.

"What does praying mean to you? What does meditation mean to you?" - M.E. of Germany

To me prayer is a way to explicitly talk to "God" (or whatever you prefer to call the Intelligence behind our existence). And meditation is a way to explicitly listen. I think meditation (i.e. listening) to "God" is far more important (and beneficial) than praying. When we pray we seldom know what to pray about and end up pretending to know instead. For example, when Jesus taught his followers to pray, he taught them to pray for "us" not "self". He also discouraged any prayers for a person's health, wealth, and welfare. He taught us to pray God's will to be done, not ours. If Christians listened half as much as they like to talk perhaps they'd realize the insanity of their numerous prayers. I rarely actually pray, but I meditate often. And when I do pray I do not invoke any "God" by name. I simply send my thoughts "outward", and hope that they are heard, but don't count on it. I also believe that at the center of everyone's "heart" is a "core prayer" that defines the purpose of their existence. I believe we can "hear" our core prayer in the same way we can "hear" God. By meditating we can learn our purpose, and hence "God's Will" for us.

I believe my core prayer has to do with World Salvation. That doesn't mean I think I am the savior of the world, only that I am here to help somehow. I sometimes think of my core prayer as "The Fifth Nail".

"You keep on referring to turning yourself in, but we all know you did no such thing... Why do you continue to lie?" - Dhanvantari Nanni, comment

You are correct to say that I did not turn myself in, strictly speaking. But, I frequently refer to my arrest as "surrendering to the authorities", and sometimes I say that I "turned myself in" only because it's a lot simpler than trying to explain why I was at that Denny's at one in the morning when I knew that I would be arrested.

As for what "we all know": every authority who is familiar with my arrest, from the arresting officer to the Federal prosecutors, and including all the doctors (both for the defense and against) and investigators, have consistently concluded that I knew Shasta would be recognized and I'd likely be arrested if I took her into that Denny's. Shasta herself told the police and FBI that I have warned her I might be arrested if she was recognized. She also told the police that the only reason we were even in Coeur d'Alene was because I was bringing her home and turning myself in.

All of Shasta's statements and my own statements since my arrest in this regard have been collaborated by extensive investigations and hard evidence. In fact, at my most recent competency hearing (January this year) the prosecutor repeatedly referred to the fact that I was turning myself in as evidence to support the government's position that I was behaving "rationally" (and hence, competently). No one, except perhaps a few misinformed news junkies, has ever seriously questioned the fact that I was returning Shasta home and turning myself in at the time I was arrested. The only question has been WHY I was doing it (i.e. turning myself in). But that's an entirely different matter all together. The point here is that there is no indication, beyond unchecked prejudice, that would ever even suggest I was doing anything but turning myself in and surrendering unconditionally to the present authorities of this world. That surrender, existentially, is what this blog is essentially all about. So you'll have to forgive me for referring to it on occasion.

It wouldn't have been any different than if I were arrested in the police station parking lot, or in the hospital emergency room, where I'd planned to take Shasta the next day after visiting the public library in Coeur d'Alene to make one last blog entry before my arrest.

Obviously I never got to make that blog entry. Shasta was hungry, and after I explained the risk of my being arrested at the Denny's restaurant to her she decided she still wanted something to eat. So we went in, and the rest, as they say, is history. I would not have been "caught" when I was if I didn't want to be, and that's simply a fact that some people don't like to admit.

"Did you ever seek help (for mental health issues)?" - N.B., Vancouver, WA

When I was a teenager there was nothing I wanted more than "help". I was very confused about a lot of things. and, unlike most teens, I knew I was confused. I didn't think I had everything figured out. Adults, of course, could not be trusted and always gave hypocritical and conflicting messages (in my experience). The only friends I had were just as confused as I was (in particularly, about sex), if not more so. And my older sisters didn't want to have anything to do with their "creepy" little brother.

So, when I was arrested at the age of 16, for "raping" a 14-year-old boy, and the police detective playing "good cop" told me they could get me help, if I confessed, I broke down crying and told them everything as honestly as I could. I remember very clearly and poignantly crying not out of shame or even because I had been caught - I cried because I believed that I would finally get some "help" and my painful confusion would finally end. Of course, I was only betrayed. The nightmare that followed over the course of the next 20 years only made my confusion, and pain, a thousand times worse.

(For more information about the "treatment" I received and subsequent incarceration, please see the Fifth Nail Memories. The "Real Story" and "What Happened In Prison" [Part 1: The Punk * Part II: The Convict * Part III: The Transition * Part IV: The Queen * Part V: The Merry-Go-Round * Part VI: The Streets * Part VII: The Last Laugh] entries for starters...)

"Have you ever suffered from mental health issues, like depression, or feeling alone, or out of control, or hearing voices, for example?" - N.B., Vancouver, WA

I usually answer this question with an emphatic, no. However, some "professionals" consider "sexual deviancy" a mental health issue. So, maybe I should say yes. In all honesty, I think it is a silly question. It's like asking, "Have you ever been visited by demons?" That was a typical and important question during the European witch trials of the 15th century. To the people back then it was an important and telling question. Someday, I believe, the question of "mental health issues" will seem just as ignorant.

However personal beliefs notwithstanding, several mental health experts have opined in court that I am psychotically delusional (and hence "legally incompetent"), while several others - perhaps a bit less "expert" - have opined that aside from a severe "personality disorder" (a term that the author of the Malleus Maleficarum could have invented) there is really nothing wrong with me mentally.

So, as it suited to the question, the answer is both yes and no, not to mention meaningless and hypocritical, all at the same time.

"Did you have a happy childhood?" - C.B., Italy

I cannot say it was happy, nor was it sad. I was "abused" a lot, but that seemed normal to me. It seemed like everyone abused me, my parents, my older sisters, my teachers, other children. I was used to it, so it didn't make me sad. Even now it does not make me sad. What the System did to me was far far worse.

"As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?" - N.B., Vancouver, WA

I read in an FBI interview report that my brother said I always wanted to be a criminal when I grew up, and he always wanted to be a cop. But, that's not what I remember.

I remember wanting to be an astronaut, and going to the moon, when I was a young child. As a teenager I wanted to join the Air Force and become an F-16 jet pilot.

After I was sent to prison I decided that I wanted to be a commercial saturation diver. I even contacted the Divers Institute of Technology in Seattle for information about their training programs. I found out that you must be under 25 to start a career as a commercial diver. So, when my sentence got stretched to over 15 years I was forced to abandon that dream as well.

"Were you shy or aggressive as a child?" - C.B., Italy

I think psychologists say I was "passive aggressive". I was shy and reserved for the most part, but if someone embarrassed me I would physically attack them, even if they were much bigger than I was. If I couldn't hurt them directly, then I would try to hurt them indirectly, by destroying something that belonged to them for example. I didn't care if they knew it was me who hurt them or not. It only mattered to me that they suffered.

As a child, I never tried to hurt anyone who did not hurt me first. I was not a bully, nor did I ever hurt animals or destroy things for no reason.

As a very young child (six years old) I did set fire to a school dumpster once. But, I only did it because someone else had been setting fires in our neighborhood and I was copying the behavior. After I saw the damage I had caused I felt bad and never did it again, even though I didn't get caught.

"Do you get to watch Discovery Channel? History Channel?" - Kiefer89

Yes, and yes. Each cell here on death row (SCU) had a one inch hole drilled through the concrete wet wall just below the electrical outlet box where we can plug in our 13-inch LED HD TVs, which are provided for us by the government. A standard 75-ohm coaxial cable is passed through the hole and connected to the institutional cable TV network. We have 28 commercial channels and three institutional channels to choose from. Only a few are actually HD (at least part of the time).

These are the commercial channels (the first four are local stations and are part time HD, the rest are not HD): NBC, CBS, FOX, ABC, ESPN, ESPN2, TBS, TNT, USA, History, AMC, CMT, E!, A&E, Spike, SyFy, Discovery, BET, Univision, Galavision, FX, CNN, Fox News, Fox Sports, WGN, VH1, WeTV, and Oxygen.

The three prison channels are for education, religious services, and weekend DVD movies (PG only). (The education channel only plays the same basic math video over and over, and there has been no religious programs shown since I've been here).

I personally use the TV options menu to unselect the news, sports, Spanish, and prison channels, which leaves me 21 channels to choose from. About a year ago we had more channels, but only black and white TVs. The channels I miss the most are PBS and TCM.

"Every now and then I read your blog. It is very interesting, but there are many comments full of hate towards you. How can you bear these words of hate?" - C.B., Italy

First and foremost I realize that though the hatred is directed at me it is not me these people really hate. It is only something inside of themselves that they are afraid of. So they project the hate onto me, as a kind of effigy, just as I once projected my hate onto them, or rather, onto people like them in society.

There is a lot of hate that gets projected back and forth in this way, between "offenders" and "victims". In essence, that's what this blog is all about; it hopes to expose the deception we use to justify our hate for each other, and by doing so open a path toward resolution, and a path toward forgiveness, which I believe is the only path of true justice (and sanity).

Those who read and understand this blog will know that I'm not talking about forgiveness for myself. Nor am I advocating some sort of "love conquers all" dogma. I am only taking responsibility for what I have done, and for what I do, and for what I will do yet, by doing all I can, as honestly as I can, to provide even those who feel that they hate me a chance to understand; not just me, but themselves, and us all, at the same time.

For this reason I feel it is important to open this blog up for comments, all comments, "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly". There is a truth behind everything, and an honest person will find it, even behind the hatred.

"Is there really such a thing as malevolence?" - A. R. of North Carolina

Not really. There are people who themselves believe they are "bad" or "evil" because of what they have been told (or, more precisely, because of the social messages they get turned into by the experiences and circumstances of their lives). And I have met and known intimately some of the most "malevolent" men our society can produce, both mentally and socially deranged, during my many years of imprisonment. Yet, I have never met anyone who I'd call "evil" or even "malevolent", though I've certainly met many who'd like nothing better than have everyone believe that's what they were. These people are only fulfilling roles created for them by a diseased society. They commonly love their family, and behave according to a sense of right and wrong far more rigid and unyielding than the most zealous Christian hypocrite. They are deluded and diseased, but not evil, or malevolent; which is to say, they don't set out to do harm for the sake of doing harm alone; nobody ever does. Instead, in their mind, they are giving people what they deserve, or taking what they deserve from people.

To a terrorist, Americans are evil. To a rapist, women are sluts who deserve to be raped. To a child molester, society is sick and doesn't understand. And to society, criminals are malevolent and need to be punished. It's all the same, but it's not malevolence - it's only ignorance.